Two Questions to Ask Yourself to Massively Change Your Life

Whether I could run 42.2 km is neither here nor there. I ran several times a week and that contributed significantly to my happiness.

What do you want out of life?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
What do you want to achieve?

These are NOT the questions I refer to in the title.
They are big questions. There are plenty of people out there who will tell you that it is vital to have answers for them. I don’t doubt they can be valuable. But to me, they seem so vague and distant. In all honesty, I don’t find them inspiring. A lot can change in 5 years. In 2015 if you had asked me about my goals I’d have said I want to run a trail marathon. I had run 2 half marathons. I got a hip injury, took some time off and didnt regain my momentum. I never achieved my goal and I don’t run much anymore.

For me, the real value of running was is the effect it had on my day to day life. I loved getting outside and exploring new trails, it boosted my mood, It encouraged me to eat well. Running gave me energy and a sense of accomplishment. Whether I could run 42.2 km is neither here nor there. I ran several times a week and that contributed significantly to my happiness.

That encouraged me to ask, What else makes me happy? What do I want to do more of? The questions I urge you to ask yourself and your partner if you have one are as follows:

What are things I want to include in my life daily or almost daily?
What things do I want to include in my life intermittently or when facilities allow?
I answered first

Daily -or at least weekly-
Chatting to family
Swim/ surf/ bodyboard

Intermittently -as frequently as circumstances allow-
Mountain biking
Gardening/ growing
Floristry/ flower arranging

Monkey Didn’t look at my answers and he wrote the following

Daily -or atleast weekly-
Making Tabby cum
Surf/ mountain bike
Chill the fuck out (don’t get so stressed)

Intermittently -as frquently as circumstances allow-
Go somewhere or do something that makes me go ‘Wow!’
Try new things (Food, sex position, activity)

How we plan to use this information?

I feel like this gives us permission to simplify our lives. If we own something that doesn’t have a place on the lists, were getting rid of it. Skateboards and games consoles goodbye. We can use the time and space for something listworthy.

Change how we earn money
Its helping us to identify how we could make a living. We plan to dramatically cut back our expenditure and live rent free so we won’t need to earn much (more about that in another post). Fortunately there are things on our lists that we could potentially use to make money, floristry, writing, gardening, photography and sex (I’m talking about making videos or doing webcam shows not actual, in-person whoring).

Learning about each other
We have learned more about each others priorities. We will be more aware if one of us is compromising for the sake of the other. I didn’t realise that Monkey wants to read more. Now I know, I can help him make the time to do so. We are also planning to take up yoga.

Identifying and creating space for the things that make us happy is giving direction to our larger plans.

What happened to the running? I replaced it with something else. We’re working towards a life where we can give plenty of time to everything on the list. But right now we dont have time for them all. Right now I’m into Weight lifting. Do I still have big goals? Kind of. I want to deadlift 110kg (double my body weight). I don’t know if I’ll achieve it and I dont care that much. I’m getting stronger, I lift several times a week and I love it. It’s contributing significantly to my happiness.

What Happened to my Dildo?

A big, pink jelly dong. We had been packing up our things and thinning out all of our belongings but we couldn’t decide what to do with this particular item. We bought it mostly for me, for webcam modelling. On occasion we had enjoyed it together. Now came the time to decide. Should we bring it to New Zealand with us? We had limited luggage space and it seemed a bit extravagant. Besides Monkey has a fully functional organic dong of his very own and that was certainly coming with us.

Throwing it away was also out of the question. The waste disposal on small islands is not the same as on the mainland. All recyclables were collected up and transported for processing. Organic waste was composted. The small amount of general waste however, was burned. Shocking, I know but very common on farms everywhere. Usually those burning the waste included our boss and at least one colleague. The likelihood of a dildo being spotted amongst the bag of burning rubbish was almost certain. And the chance that it would be linked to us was no chance at all.

Another option that briefly crossed my mind was to leave it in the charity shop. The shop didn’t have anyone supervising. It worked on honesty box system and donations of clothing and bric-a-brac could be left neatly for sale. Imagine the shelf; a tan coloured tea set, a VHS of the crystal maze, floral jigsaw puzzle, massive jelly dong, chipped vase, another teapot and a ceramic figurine of a country lady. I could put it in the window so the morning sunlight would shine through it like stained glass casting a pleasant pink glow.

I put it in the, now empty, wardrobe. To get it off my mind. We sorted and packed and gave away lots of things. We vacuumed, re-painted and fixed the bed ready for the next occupants. We were all ready to go.

We were in Ireland when Monkey brought it up. Visiting family.
‘What did you do with that dildo in the end’
I had left it in the wardrobe.
Did our boss find it? Or a colleague sent to do a deep clean? Or the new employees who took our place on the farm? Milk in the fridge, teabags in the cupboard and a dildo in the wardrobe. Islanders are so considerate.

We shared a few minutes of nervous laughter and speculation. Before concluding that it was hilarious in the extreme, nobody would be offended and it would probably make us local comedy legends (entertainment is scarce on the islands).

We plan to return to visit this year or next. Besides reconnecting with old friends, pristine white beaches and the slow, peaceful beauty of the island; I’m also looking forward to finding out what happened to my dildo.

Make Love not Porn

During the Summer of 2012 I was watering the tomatoes in the garden listening to a podcast.

A British accent. A mature, successful woman who was developing a web based business to educate about sex by selling videos of normal people having normal sex. This was Cindy Gallop and her idea resonated with me on many levels.

First of all I was working part time as a cam model so making money from sex was already part of my life (more on this in another post). Secondly. I have been affected by the influence of hardcore porn. The idea of being able to take positive steps to neutralize these impacts was a concept I wanted to support.

Cindy did a Ted talk in 2009 to unveil her website Make Love not Porn. in which she talks about sex education and the influence hardcore pornography has on our culture. She illustrates the talk with an anecdote about a younger lover to whom she says ‘no thanks I would much rather you didn’t cum on my face’. She then goes on to express concern for ..

“the young girl who’s boyfriend wants to cum on her face. She does not want him to cum on her face but hardcore porn has taught her that all men love cumming on women’s faces, all women love having their faces cum on and therefore she must let him cum on her face and pretend to like it”.

Watch it! Its brilliant. The ripples of shock from the audience are palpable. There is no point in me telling you all of the important points and the inspiring balance of humor and earnestness that she demonstrates when you could just go on TED Talks Youtube channel and see it for your self. Cindy Gallop TED Talk

Anyway. Hypothetical girl she mentions. That’s me. Not with specific regard to cum on the face. I do actually enjoy that. However, I have faked a lot of orgasms. With various partners. When I was younger. I kept thinking I must be doing something wrong, why is this not working. I hadn’t even watched a lot of porn but somehow, subtle, pervasive, influences had crept into my consciousness. That paired with the fact that I am a chronic people-pleaser lead me to fake orgasms under the belief that It would make my partner happy. I’d think ‘one day It’ll just click and I’ll be able to cum during sex too’ but it didn’t. It took a long time to realize that it wasn’t ‘just going to click’. I had been denying myself the opertunity to have orgasms with a partner by avoiding communicating properly. Because it felt awkward and uncomfortable to talk about.

This story is not unique. Ive read various statistics and learned that 20-25% of women do not consistently orgasm during intercourse. If my partners and I had known that growing up, things would have been different. If I had more experience talking about sex and hearing other people talk about it in a frank and open manner. Things would probably have been different.

That’s what Make Love not Porn, MLNP is about. There are videos of all kinds of people having all kinds of sex. You can find My husband and I on there. (You will notice that when I cum there is nearly always a hand involved). The videos are not about helping the viewer get off, its about recording an honest look into peoples sex lives  (many of them do happen to be extremely hot but that is a secondary factor). If my peers and I had access to this kind of material instead of hardcore porn. Who knows how we would be different. I bet we’d be much more secure individuals. At the very least our sex lives would be so much better.

I like porn. This is not a vendetta against it. I watch porn by myself and with my husband I have made a living from porn and if I needed to, I’d happily do so again. But it needs to be made clearer to young people that it is entertainment. Porn is not real!

Like the tag line from MLNP says

We are ‘Pro-sex, pro-porn and pro knowing the difference’

Fuck it! Lets go somewhere!

We want the same things out of life. Our urges for travel, adventure and sex are a pretty good match.

It started with a feeling. A familiar feeling that I couldn’t quite place. for progress, change, growth. Something like that.
We were going to buy a house. Seriously considering it. Investing in our future together. We were going to start a business. Arial videography. I love making videos. Turns out you can’t get a mortgage if your newly self employed. So we would have to stay in our current jobs and that didn’t feel right for either of us. These solutions weren’t adding up to a change at all.

Then I put my finger on it. The niggling feeling. Its the same as when I left my home town (and job and life). I went to live on a little island. When people asked me why, the best answer I could give was that I wanted to live by the sea. It was where I met Monkey. Its where we got married. Following that impulse was the best decision I’ve ever made.

It was the same as the feeling we both shared when we decided to go to New Zealand after our wedding. For a year, maybe more, maybe we would never come back. Quite a honeymoon.

Unlike our other plans (house, business, ect) the plans that are driven by this urge, they stick. They come with a sense of relief at finally finding the right answer.

We have a good life here in England. We live in a nice flat. We have jobs that pay more than minimum wage, 4 weeks annual holiday and usually we get 2 days off a week. We have nice things. Bikes, surfboards but not enough time or energy to use them. There is too much life to fit into a schedule like this.

That’s why we have decided to set our priorities straight. Live life in our own way putting importance and time into the things that mean a lot to us. I want to get better at writing, have lots of great sex, do some photography, swim in open water, surf, run, meet new people, hike in the mountains. We want to travel and we want to play a proper part in the social sex revolution.

I want to go and live by the sea again. I feel so privileged that Monkey does too. That’s a big part of why we are good together. We want the same things out of life. Our urges for travel, adventure and sex are a pretty good match.

Hence the endless honeymoon. It started with our trip to NZ. We have tried settling down a few times but it hasn’t stuck.

I’m writing this on my first day off in nine days, thinking of all the other ways I could be using my time. Laundry, vacuuming, I could be at the gym or on my bike. So many mundane things to fill my day with. But fuck it. I want adventure. I’ll be planing our trip to Hawaii.