How Sex With Timaree has aided my emotional development and helped me overcome insecurities

So how did it go? Pretty well. Yea we rambled, deviated, missed several opportunities to mention other relevant stories. I had to ask the meaning of a word, which I found pretty embarrassing, but I like it. Its conversational and fun and It was so so awesome to chat with Timaree. Shes knowledgeable, passionate and a properly nice human!

Warning! This blog post gets really deep inside my head. If you don’t want to go there, turn back now! If you suffer from fears and insecurities that have too much control over you read on. I do too! I write about techniques I use to overcome destructive thoughts that limit me. I am not a psychologist, I’m just interested in how the mind works. I also appreciate that we are all different. The method I use helps me. It may help you or you might look at it and think ‘Wow This woman is crazy’

If you are still reading this I have some exciting news. Monkey and I were interviewed as guests on the podcast Sex with Timaree. It was awesome! Dr Timaree is an amazing woman. She has a Phd. in Human sexuality, she writes and podcasts and ‘edutains’ about sex-positive subjects. The Podcast Sex With Timaree has 30,000 downloads per week according to her CV (I don’t know when that was written but Id guess it has grown since) and she has interviewed porn stars, sex educators and activists including Sandra Doherty , who I adore! She has also interviewed Monkey and me. You might think I jumped at the opportunity. You would be right, I jumped with great enthusiasm but not before a very thorough warm up.

I had hesitations. The kind of hesitations that sit in the back of ones mind and say things like
‘Why would anyone want to listen to you’
‘Its probably something to keep stored for when they can’t find any proper podcast guests’
‘You’re going to make a fool of yourself’
‘Everyone will find out that your actually quite stupid, you can’t hide it if you can’t edit it yourself’

These are the sort of things my mind produces to stop me from achieving my potential. I don’t know why. Ive looked into it a little but I’m not going to share my findings today. This is about moving forward not looking back.

I’ve experienced negative self talk like this during every step of my life but its pops up more regularly in relation to having an audience.

For example, when I started camming I was scared, nervous that I’d not be any good at it. But I wanted to give it a go. It stretched me and helped me get over some of my fears but taking that first step was hugely challenging.

When I made my first adult videos I thought,
‘This probably isn’t good enough. Nobody’s going to want it’
But they did.

When I started my Twitter account I wouldn’t post on there very often. I’d hover over the mouse trying to decide if anyone cared what I had to say. The voice in my head would tell me not to be so big headed.
‘No one cares. There are so many people who are better at this than you are. Leave it to them’

At each of these points I encountered the same problem. My own insecurities and a fear of not being good enough. At each of these points I persisted and proved the little voice in my head wrong.

The trick I’ve learned is to play that little voice at its own game. Logical reasoning. I reply with such comments as.
‘Your right. Most of the world doesn’t give a shit what I have to say but there is a tiny tiny tiny percentage that do. It could be incredibly meaningful to one or two people and that makes it worth sharing’
or
‘I probably will say something stupid but I’ll say more useful stuff than stupid stuff’
or
‘Yes some people will judge me harshly but I don’t care. Someone elses opinion of me won’t change my day to day experience’

The more practice I get at this the easier it becomes.

As well as replying to the negative self talk, I preempt it. I ask myself several questions which allow me to address it before it becomes intrusive. It also reminds me of the potential for positive outcomes. I will identify:

Perceived potential short term pros
Perceived potential long term pros
Perceived potential short term cons
Perceived potential long term cons

Once I have this information I can decide which of the ‘cons’ can be overcome with practical solutions. Which of these can be overcome/ minimized by reasoning with myself.

I want to clarify. I only use this method if there is something I instinctively want to do. I would NOT use this to convince myself to do something I don’t want to do!

I recently decided to make a table to fill in to help me with this. Here’s a blank one. I have also included one I filled in when trying to decide whether or not to do the podcast. It feels very exposing sharing the content with you. Its the inner workings of my mind. As you can see, in this situation, there were no perceived long-term cons. This is now my go to method when trying to make decisions. It saves time. I could spend days agonizing over something or 10 minutes writing it down. Once its on paper its much more manageable. In the example shown I have 10 pros and 3 cons. 2 of the cons I was able to minimize leaving the decision pretty much made.

 

So how did it go? Pretty well. Yea we rambled, deviated, missed several opportunities to mention other relevant stories. I had to ask the meaning of a word, which I found pretty embarrassing, but I like it. Its conversational and fun and It was so so awesome to chat with Timaree. Shes knowledgeable, passionate and a properly nice human!

We talked about Make Love Not Porn, our evolving sex life, how Monkey and I met and bits and pieces of many other things.

If you have found this amusing, entertaining, interesting or helpful, I’m pleased. If you consider this entire post inappropriate oversharing and you think I’m a twat, why have you read all the way to the bottom? Please go and find something that interests you.

 

Why I told my Mum about working in the adult industry. (Spoiler: Its because I care what people think of me

I was excited about my new work and I wanted her to be pleased for me. After assuaging her concerns for my personal safety, she was very accepting. After I told her the per-minute pay rate for a webcam model, she said.

“maybe I should try it”

Coming out as an adult worker can seem like a daunting task. Here’s how and why I told my parents.

A couple of years ago I was made redundant from my normal day job. Whilst it was a job I enjoyed very much, I decided it was a sign. I decided to seize the opportunity to do something different. I wanted to make adult videos and do some webcam modelling. I’d dabbled with this kind of work before but this was the time to commit. I wanted to work for myself, be creative and indulge my interest in sexuality full time.
I loved it! I found I was enjoying video making more than camming. I experience social anxiety from time to time which prevented me from keeping a regular cam schedule. Videos however, I loved and I still do. I would make several custom videos per day most days resulting in a reasonable income. When I wasn’t working, I was running or making jewellery to sell at craft fairs.

I can’t remember who I told first my Mum or my Dad. I got sick of being asked if I was doing OK, why wasn’t I applying for jobs or signing on. Having to pretend I was selling quite a lot of handicrafts was becoming a drag. We’d go out for dinner and they wouldn’t let me pay. I began feeling guilty about all this. I was lying to them and I couldn’t shift the feeling that they thought I was lazy. They must have thought that I sat at home all day doing crafts and feeling sorry for myself and wasting my megre resources  dining out and buying pretty miniskirts. I love my parents and They are both nonjudgmental, liberal folk. So I decided to tell them.

I told my mum when we were on a camping holiday together. I was pretty nervous. I told her I kind of had a new job. She looked confused.

“What is it? When do you start?”
“Ive been doing it for a little while. Have you heard of webam modelling?”
“isn’t that entertaining perverts on the internet?”
“yep. I make and sell custom fetish videos too. Mostly telling dirty stories in my underwear”
I was excited about my new work and I wanted her to be pleased for me. After assuaging her concerns for my personal safety, she was very accepting. After I told her the per-minute pay rate for a webcam model, she said.

“maybe I should try it”

Great. I don’t know what I was so nervous about. I appreciate that not everybody has a Mum who is quite so accepting and I am so grateful that I do. I don’t tell her the details of my content but I like discussing how it enables flexibility in my lifestyle, how I get to do some acting (which I love), that Ive started a blog and I get to write about topics I am passionate about, that when I go traveling I can take my work with me and earn from anywhere in the world. The more I share my enthusiasm, the more comfortable she is with my choice of career.

My Dad is a different story. He has always had confidence in my decisions. I never thought for a minute that he would disapprove. He tried to pay for dinner one time and I put my foot down.

“I do have a job. I make fetish videos for perverts on the internet” (thanks for that phrase Mum I use it all the time now *)

He was shocked, but found it pretty funny. I described a couple of the more obscure and harmless fetishes I had encountered. He said that he thought I had been hiding something. He didn’t believe that I was able to pay the bills selling crafts.

So there we have it. I didn’t want my parents to think I was lazy so I told them the truth. I told them about my creative, liberating, engaging career that I really enjoy. I don’t know what they tell there friends but I don’t care about that. I am being true to myself and not hiding. The more we can be honest about working in the adult industry, the less stigma it will have in the future.

 

*Obviously I consider myself a ‘pervert on the internet’ too

Jerk-Off Instruction Instructions for the Jerk-Off Instructor

Tabby, how do I write and perform a great JOI I hear you ask. (I like to imagine you asking anyway) Blue Rondo has got you covered with this enlightening guest post.

Curious about how to make a jerk off instruction video? Wondering what makes a certain jerk off instruction script and performance so engaging? Blue Rondo has broken it down for us.


The performing artist of a strip tease does not take the stage fully naked, and neither -metaphorically speaking- should the instructor in that niche of naughty videos that has come to be so fondly known as Jerk-Off Instruction. The tease in JOI is akin to water for a thirsty plant; imagine a withered bough so replenished by a slow but steady and building downfall that it rises to become a thriving, firm, proud, and stalwart branch. Your job, my dear masturbatory maiden, is to water with words and thereby massage the mind of the unseen man before you in such a way as to move him to grip that branch by its thickening trunk. Therefore, begin slowly and make an eager pupil of him. Captivate him initially with the simple sight of your physical beauty, presented without hint of the overtly sexual. Your words should match the visual; innocent yet building a firm foundation for growth. They should tantalize, sending the imaginative mind in a variety of directions while the mystery of the journey lays firmly in your control.
Whatever story you tell, lines must be delivered convincingly and an at-first imperceptible transformation in you, the instructor, must take place. Your transformation will mirror your pupil’s arousal which is heightened by the perception that it is caused by the sight of his engorged member. Whereas initially you directed your eyes full-on into the lens, so as to establish an intimate connection, now you begin looking downward to create the sense that you are gazing upon the biggest, most incredible cock that you have ever seen -something you are powerless to resist. Absentmindedly running your wet tongue over your lips, and or giving your lower lip a lingering bite will enhance this effect. A widening of the eyes is usually ill-advised as it can border on the comical, and thus break the spell that you have so laborious cast on your willing apprentice. It certainly doesn’t hurt to make a complimentary comment if done so masterfully; a simple “Holy Fuck!” delivered almost under your breathe suffices. With such an utterance your speech can move into what is called “dirty talk.” Keep in mind that dirty talk is little more than a graphic detailed description of sex. Any writer worth her salt has imagery as a ready tool, and so should you.
Here’s where the irony of the situation often strikes one. You are called upon to instruct a man on the use of equipment which you yourself lack. While I would advise you to forge ahead undaunted, I would add that it does no harm to acquire some first-hand knowledge. Go forth fair instructor, and procure a man whose working parts you can closely inspect and repeatedly experiment with at your leisure. Make note of everything from the varying sensitivity of different regions of its shaft, to the consistency and volume of the precum produced at its tip, and the manner in which its scrotum reacts to temperature. Let the results of your quest be the basis for the specific instruction you will deliver as to how your pupil should handle his erection.
Visuals should now reflect the heightened sexual atmosphere you’ve so skillfully created. Not only may you seductively remove your clothing and even show off your most intimate parts, you may choose to masturbate, as well. Your mouth now spills the filthiest of language in commanding your pupil to wank for you while telling some salacious story -either real or manufactured- about your sluttiest behavior. When you’ve entered this realm your pupil should have long-since passed the stage of becoming aroused, and is now desperately gripping his throbbing member and edging in an ecstasy of agonizing pleasure. He desperately wants to orgasm at just the right moment, and it’s your job to help him know precisely when that moment is upon him. I can think of nothing more boring at this critical point in the JOI than the subject of mathematics. Yet it is this that the well-meaning teacher too-often introduces. It comes in the form of a countdown. When it begins the disappointed scholar sadly realizes that the most arousing dirty talk has already taken place, and he finds himself desperately endeavoring to salvage his suddenly shrinking manhood as the excruciatingly slow descent to zero ensues. Can you say “blue balls?” Allow me to suggest a more effective tact. As you approach the end of your JOI intensify your dirty talk. After all, if successful to this point, you’ve got a drooling raving beast at the other end about to shoot the mother of all loads. Coax it out of him. Let him know that he’s wanking for you and for you alone. Give him permission to squirt all that jizz you’ve stirred up in his balls anywhere on your body he’d like, but that you’d especially like to take it in your mouth so you can taste him. Pull him in even closer by giving him words to speak that include your name (i.e. “I wanna fuck your wet pussy, _____!”) Trust me; he’ll enthusiastically repeat your words verbatim. In fact, this technique can effectively be used -careful not to overdo it- throughout your video.
When the climactic moment arrives, explicitly tell your pupil to cum for you. Perhaps you’ve opened your mouth wide or held out your tongue for him. In any case, you’ll allow some cum-simulated saliva to escape to your lips, and maybe even drip down over your breasts as you talk about how delicious his hot cum feels. Know that although he has orgasmed, he’ll be pumping the last of his jizz out as he blindly reaches for his tissues, eyes still riveted to the angel who has so generously delivered sweet salvation to a man struggling to negotiate the stress of an ever-demanding existence.
A final word of advice: Let the only music on your JOI be the erotic music of your moans. Masturbation should be fun, go forth and make it so.

Blue Rondo