Warning! This blog post gets really deep inside my head. If you don’t want to go there, turn back now! If you suffer from fears and insecurities that have too much control over you read on. I do too! I write about techniques I use to overcome destructive thoughts that limit me. I am not a psychologist, I’m just interested in how the mind works. I also appreciate that we are all different. The method I use helps me. It may help you or you might look at it and think ‘Wow This woman is crazy’
If you are still reading this I have some exciting news. Monkey and I were interviewed as guests on the podcast Sex with Timaree. It was awesome! Dr Timaree is an amazing woman. She has a Phd. in Human sexuality, she writes and podcasts and ‘edutains’ about sex-positive subjects. The Podcast Sex With Timaree has 30,000 downloads per week according to her CV (I don’t know when that was written but Id guess it has grown since) and she has interviewed porn stars, sex educators and activists including Sandra Doherty , who I adore! She has also interviewed Monkey and me. You might think I jumped at the opportunity. You would be right, I jumped with great enthusiasm but not before a very thorough warm up.
I had hesitations. The kind of hesitations that sit in the back of ones mind and say things like
‘Why would anyone want to listen to you’
‘Its probably something to keep stored for when they can’t find any proper podcast guests’
‘You’re going to make a fool of yourself’
‘Everyone will find out that your actually quite stupid, you can’t hide it if you can’t edit it yourself’
These are the sort of things my mind produces to stop me from achieving my potential. I don’t know why. Ive looked into it a little but I’m not going to share my findings today. This is about moving forward not looking back.
I’ve experienced negative self talk like this during every step of my life but its pops up more regularly in relation to having an audience.
For example, when I started camming I was scared, nervous that I’d not be any good at it. But I wanted to give it a go. It stretched me and helped me get over some of my fears but taking that first step was hugely challenging.
When I made my first adult videos I thought,
‘This probably isn’t good enough. Nobody’s going to want it’
But they did.
When I started my Twitter account I wouldn’t post on there very often. I’d hover over the mouse trying to decide if anyone cared what I had to say. The voice in my head would tell me not to be so big headed.
‘No one cares. There are so many people who are better at this than you are. Leave it to them’
At each of these points I encountered the same problem. My own insecurities and a fear of not being good enough. At each of these points I persisted and proved the little voice in my head wrong.
The trick I’ve learned is to play that little voice at its own game. Logical reasoning. I reply with such comments as.
‘Your right. Most of the world doesn’t give a shit what I have to say but there is a tiny tiny tiny percentage that do. It could be incredibly meaningful to one or two people and that makes it worth sharing’
‘I probably will say something stupid but I’ll say more useful stuff than stupid stuff’
‘Yes some people will judge me harshly but I don’t care. Someone elses opinion of me won’t change my day to day experience’
The more practice I get at this the easier it becomes.
As well as replying to the negative self talk, I preempt it. I ask myself several questions which allow me to address it before it becomes intrusive. It also reminds me of the potential for positive outcomes. I will identify:
Perceived potential short term pros
Perceived potential long term pros
Perceived potential short term cons
Perceived potential long term cons
Once I have this information I can decide which of the ‘cons’ can be overcome with practical solutions. Which of these can be overcome/ minimized by reasoning with myself.
I want to clarify. I only use this method if there is something I instinctively want to do. I would NOT use this to convince myself to do something I don’t want to do!
I recently decided to make a table to fill in to help me with this. Here’s a blank one. I have also included one I filled in when trying to decide whether or not to do the podcast. It feels very exposing sharing the content with you. Its the inner workings of my mind. As you can see, in this situation, there were no perceived long-term cons. This is now my go to method when trying to make decisions. It saves time. I could spend days agonizing over something or 10 minutes writing it down. Once its on paper its much more manageable. In the example shown I have 10 pros and 3 cons. 2 of the cons I was able to minimize leaving the decision pretty much made.
So how did it go? Pretty well. Yea we rambled, deviated, missed several opportunities to mention other relevant stories. I had to ask the meaning of a word, which I found pretty embarrassing, but I like it. Its conversational and fun and It was so so awesome to chat with Timaree. Shes knowledgeable, passionate and a properly nice human!
We talked about Make Love Not Porn, our evolving sex life, how Monkey and I met and bits and pieces of many other things.
If you have found this amusing, entertaining, interesting or helpful, I’m pleased. If you consider this entire post inappropriate oversharing and you think I’m a twat, why have you read all the way to the bottom? Please go and find something that interests you.