Webcam modeling and MLNP

I wrote this blog post for MLNP (Make Love not Porn) in 2014. It talks about how my experience making videos for and otherwise being involved in the social sex revolution has helped me bring together my two personas, the cam-girl, on demand, adult entertainer and the florist, wife, highly sensitive, complex strong young woman. It has helped me feel more whole.

I first discovered webcam modelling about 4 years ago. My now husband, Monkey, introduced me to it. Heres a little background information about us. We met in a small, isolated community where everyone knows each other by name, gossip spreads rapidly and everyone knows each others business. Or so I thought. It can get lonely in the countryside but thanks to the wonders of the internet, all manner of social and sexual interactions are still available to us and monkey had been indulging in camsites and chatrooms for quite some time before I came on the scene. As we became closer, Monkey told me about these online experiences and all of a sudden the world felt so much smaller. I thought it was awesome.

Some readers will know what webcam modelling is, for those who don’t, it can be many things to many people but heres a basic rundown. Webcam Modelling is an interactive adult entertainment experience. The customer pays the model, usually by the minute, And the model helps the customer get off by talking and performing on her webcam from home. Sometimes the customer will want to see a models feet or underwear or various body parts. Sometimes the customer wants to discuss sexy fantasies or role play, Occasionally the customer will just want some company and a friendly chat, though more often than not (in my case) the customer wants a sexy lady to chat with and masturbate with.

I am not an exhibitionist, being watched does not get me off. But I really enjoy getting other people off and providing a good service. I think you might be able to see my personal dilemma beginning to emerge. Yes I do fake it, often but not always. I admit I am so busy trying to look pretty and read subtle cues from my customer that I struggle to get into it enough to have an orgasm. It can take me 20 minutes to cum even without trying to look pretty. My priority is to please my customers, what if they only want to spend 10 or 15 minutes with me? I draw on my my plentiful experience of actual orgasms and I present my best interpretation on demand.

In porn movies everyone knows the girls fake it. Its porn. But cam girls can be a grey area. Is it porn? I would love to be able to say yes cam modelling is all porn and it should be treated as such but its not that simple. Some models provide pure performance. Some models are true exhibitionists. For some its a mixture. But as far as I can tell, we all try to be seen as genuine.

Are we harmlessly indulging someones fantasy or perpetuating a lie that will only backfire on us. I love the slogan Pro sex pro porn pro knowing the difference but I’m right in the middle of it and I still struggle to know the difference sometimes.

Many cam models, myself included, make sexy videos to sell. The point of me writing this was to discuss how my MLNP videos differ from the ones I make as a cam girl. I got a little side tracked. Anyway here goes. When making a video as a cam girl my priority is to look sexy. When making a video for Monkey and Me and MLNP my priority is to feel sexy. If I look sexy too, that’s great, if not, never mind you can still see it. After having a positive response to my procrasturbation video, I have found it really gratifying to know people are enjoying the video as It expresses part of my sexuality. It expresses a part of me. My cam girl videos express the customers sexuality more than my own. As many people of note have said ‘Its better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not’ In my case It is better to be masturbated over for what you are than masturbated over for what you are not. (Though I’m still happy with either)

Find more musings from MLNP Stars on the MLNP Blog.

Two Questions to Ask Yourself to Massively Change Your Life

Whether I could run 42.2 km is neither here nor there. I ran several times a week and that contributed significantly to my happiness.

What do you want out of life?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
What do you want to achieve?

These are NOT the questions I refer to in the title.
They are big questions. There are plenty of people out there who will tell you that it is vital to have answers for them. I don’t doubt they can be valuable. But to me, they seem so vague and distant. In all honesty, I don’t find them inspiring. A lot can change in 5 years. In 2015 if you had asked me about my goals I’d have said I want to run a trail marathon. I had run 2 half marathons. I got a hip injury, took some time off and didnt regain my momentum. I never achieved my goal and I don’t run much anymore.

For me, the real value of running was is the effect it had on my day to day life. I loved getting outside and exploring new trails, it boosted my mood, It encouraged me to eat well. Running gave me energy and a sense of accomplishment. Whether I could run 42.2 km is neither here nor there. I ran several times a week and that contributed significantly to my happiness.

That encouraged me to ask, What else makes me happy? What do I want to do more of? The questions I urge you to ask yourself and your partner if you have one are as follows:

What are things I want to include in my life daily or almost daily?
What things do I want to include in my life intermittently or when facilities allow?
I answered first

Daily -or at least weekly-
Running
Chatting to family
Swim/ surf/ bodyboard
Photography
Meditate
Sex
Write

Intermittently -as frequently as circumstances allow-
Weightlifting
Mountain biking
Surfing
Gardening/ growing
Floristry/ flower arranging

Monkey Didn’t look at my answers and he wrote the following

Daily -or atleast weekly-
Making Tabby cum
Exercise
Surf/ mountain bike
Read
Chill the fuck out (don’t get so stressed)

Intermittently -as frquently as circumstances allow-
Go somewhere or do something that makes me go ‘Wow!’
Try new things (Food, sex position, activity)

How we plan to use this information?

Simplify
I feel like this gives us permission to simplify our lives. If we own something that doesn’t have a place on the lists, were getting rid of it. Skateboards and games consoles goodbye. We can use the time and space for something listworthy.

Change how we earn money
Its helping us to identify how we could make a living. We plan to dramatically cut back our expenditure and live rent free so we won’t need to earn much (more about that in another post). Fortunately there are things on our lists that we could potentially use to make money, floristry, writing, gardening, photography and sex (I’m talking about making videos or doing webcam shows not actual, in-person whoring).

Learning about each other
We have learned more about each others priorities. We will be more aware if one of us is compromising for the sake of the other. I didn’t realise that Monkey wants to read more. Now I know, I can help him make the time to do so. We are also planning to take up yoga.

Identifying and creating space for the things that make us happy is giving direction to our larger plans.

What happened to the running? I replaced it with something else. We’re working towards a life where we can give plenty of time to everything on the list. But right now we dont have time for them all. Right now I’m into Weight lifting. Do I still have big goals? Kind of. I want to deadlift 110kg (double my body weight). I don’t know if I’ll achieve it and I dont care that much. I’m getting stronger, I lift several times a week and I love it. It’s contributing significantly to my happiness.