Webcam modeling and MLNP

I wrote this blog post for MLNP (Make Love not Porn) in 2014. It talks about how my experience making videos for and otherwise being involved in the social sex revolution has helped me bring together my two personas, the cam-girl, on demand, adult entertainer and the florist, wife, highly sensitive, complex strong young woman. It has helped me feel more whole.

I first discovered webcam modelling about 4 years ago. My now husband, Monkey, introduced me to it. Heres a little background information about us. We met in a small, isolated community where everyone knows each other by name, gossip spreads rapidly and everyone knows each others business. Or so I thought. It can get lonely in the countryside but thanks to the wonders of the internet, all manner of social and sexual interactions are still available to us and monkey had been indulging in camsites and chatrooms for quite some time before I came on the scene. As we became closer, Monkey told me about these online experiences and all of a sudden the world felt so much smaller. I thought it was awesome.

Some readers will know what webcam modelling is, for those who don’t, it can be many things to many people but heres a basic rundown. Webcam Modelling is an interactive adult entertainment experience. The customer pays the model, usually by the minute, And the model helps the customer get off by talking and performing on her webcam from home. Sometimes the customer will want to see a models feet or underwear or various body parts. Sometimes the customer wants to discuss sexy fantasies or role play, Occasionally the customer will just want some company and a friendly chat, though more often than not (in my case) the customer wants a sexy lady to chat with and masturbate with.

I am not an exhibitionist, being watched does not get me off. But I really enjoy getting other people off and providing a good service. I think you might be able to see my personal dilemma beginning to emerge. Yes I do fake it, often but not always. I admit I am so busy trying to look pretty and read subtle cues from my customer that I struggle to get into it enough to have an orgasm. It can take me 20 minutes to cum even without trying to look pretty. My priority is to please my customers, what if they only want to spend 10 or 15 minutes with me? I draw on my my plentiful experience of actual orgasms and I present my best interpretation on demand.

In porn movies everyone knows the girls fake it. Its porn. But cam girls can be a grey area. Is it porn? I would love to be able to say yes cam modelling is all porn and it should be treated as such but its not that simple. Some models provide pure performance. Some models are true exhibitionists. For some its a mixture. But as far as I can tell, we all try to be seen as genuine.

Are we harmlessly indulging someones fantasy or perpetuating a lie that will only backfire on us. I love the slogan Pro sex pro porn pro knowing the difference but I’m right in the middle of it and I still struggle to know the difference sometimes.

Many cam models, myself included, make sexy videos to sell. The point of me writing this was to discuss how my MLNP videos differ from the ones I make as a cam girl. I got a little side tracked. Anyway here goes. When making a video as a cam girl my priority is to look sexy. When making a video for Monkey and Me and MLNP my priority is to feel sexy. If I look sexy too, that’s great, if not, never mind you can still see it. After having a positive response to my procrasturbation video, I have found it really gratifying to know people are enjoying the video as It expresses part of my sexuality. It expresses a part of me. My cam girl videos express the customers sexuality more than my own. As many people of note have said ‘Its better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not’ In my case It is better to be masturbated over for what you are than masturbated over for what you are not. (Though I’m still happy with either)

Find more musings from MLNP Stars on the MLNP Blog.

Make Love not Porn

During the Summer of 2012 I was watering the tomatoes in the garden listening to a podcast.

A British accent. A mature, successful woman who was developing a web based business to educate about sex by selling videos of normal people having normal sex. This was Cindy Gallop and her idea resonated with me on many levels.

First of all I was working part time as a cam model so making money from sex was already part of my life (more on this in another post). Secondly. I have been affected by the influence of hardcore porn. The idea of being able to take positive steps to neutralize these impacts was a concept I wanted to support.

Cindy did a Ted talk in 2009 to unveil her website Make Love not Porn. in which she talks about sex education and the influence hardcore pornography has on our culture. She illustrates the talk with an anecdote about a younger lover to whom she says ‘no thanks I would much rather you didn’t cum on my face’. She then goes on to express concern for ..

“the young girl who’s boyfriend wants to cum on her face. She does not want him to cum on her face but hardcore porn has taught her that all men love cumming on women’s faces, all women love having their faces cum on and therefore she must let him cum on her face and pretend to like it”.

Watch it! Its brilliant. The ripples of shock from the audience are palpable. There is no point in me telling you all of the important points and the inspiring balance of humor and earnestness that she demonstrates when you could just go on TED Talks Youtube channel and see it for your self. Cindy Gallop TED Talk

Anyway. Hypothetical girl she mentions. That’s me. Not with specific regard to cum on the face. I do actually enjoy that. However, I have faked a lot of orgasms. With various partners. When I was younger. I kept thinking I must be doing something wrong, why is this not working. I hadn’t even watched a lot of porn but somehow, subtle, pervasive, influences had crept into my consciousness. That paired with the fact that I am a chronic people-pleaser lead me to fake orgasms under the belief that It would make my partner happy. I’d think ‘one day It’ll just click and I’ll be able to cum during sex too’ but it didn’t. It took a long time to realize that it wasn’t ‘just going to click’. I had been denying myself the opertunity to have orgasms with a partner by avoiding communicating properly. Because it felt awkward and uncomfortable to talk about.

This story is not unique. Ive read various statistics and learned that 20-25% of women do not consistently orgasm during intercourse. If my partners and I had known that growing up, things would have been different. If I had more experience talking about sex and hearing other people talk about it in a frank and open manner. Things would probably have been different.

That’s what Make Love not Porn, MLNP is about. There are videos of all kinds of people having all kinds of sex. You can find My husband and I on there. (You will notice that when I cum there is nearly always a hand involved). The videos are not about helping the viewer get off, its about recording an honest look into peoples sex lives  (many of them do happen to be extremely hot but that is a secondary factor). If my peers and I had access to this kind of material instead of hardcore porn. Who knows how we would be different. I bet we’d be much more secure individuals. At the very least our sex lives would be so much better.

I like porn. This is not a vendetta against it. I watch porn by myself and with my husband I have made a living from porn and if I needed to, I’d happily do so again. But it needs to be made clearer to young people that it is entertainment. Porn is not real!

Like the tag line from MLNP says

We are ‘Pro-sex, pro-porn and pro knowing the difference’